Hey, it’s Annali from Actually Helpful Critique.

Just so you know I don’t have very much experience critiqueing poetry so…

The couplet rhymes are good, and not overly cheesy. Personally, “soon and ruins” is a stretch but…

In the first stanza the word “disease” kinda ruins the mood of the stanza. The connotation of “disease” is very common, scientific, and blunt, so it is too vulgar compared to the delicate sadness of the poem. Also, “disease” doesn’t flow right; it puts off the rhythm scheme.

Speaking of rhythm scheme, sometimes your phrases don’t flow perfectly. Read it out loud to see how it sounds. Ex: “Forced smiles in my direction
No one could have gave you more protection
Hours crying myself to sleep
This horrid wound has gone so deep.”

The second and 4th lines have too many syllables, so they don’t roll off the tongue smoothly. It’s not like you have to be exact or matchy matchy, just read the whole thing out loud.

Some formatting/grammer things:

Capitalize all your “I”’s, this will make it seem more professional.

Your long chorus could be split into 2 stanzas of four; it keeps the same look as the rest of the piece, and it makes more sense.

wow nice song

this is really powerful and even though i can't really relate to it, cuz sth like this has never happened, i think this is perfect for sb to relate to and think, oh this is just wat i felt!

This was a very beautiful, clear song.  The lyrics were very powerful and strong.  The raw emotion was very touching.  The only possible thing I could recommed is stepping the vocabulary up a little bit.  Like in the last line in the second verse, I think you could have used 'cut' or 'pierced' instead of 'gone.'  I'm not sure if that goes with your intended rhythem or music, though.  Did you have an intended genre of music that this would be? Rock, Classic ect...?

Anyway, this was very good!

The good:  The beat was nice, and even before I noticed it said "song lyrics" I was like, "man, this would make a great song!"  Good job!

The bad:  It seemed a little bit repetitive, just saying that it ended too soon, without really saying what had ended.

The random:  Do you write a lot of songs?

Good job! ~AsIAm

I agree with introducing.me and riley...they said all I could.

Keep writing!