There are a lot of things I’ve come to realize in these past few months. It’s kind of funny how you’re forced to open your eyes and see all the things that happen in this world as it is when you lose your barrier against sadness. It’s kind of funny how the world changes when you have no friends. I’ve realized that people say “I love you” and “I hate you” in so many different ways. The boy with mossy eyes tells me he loves me by letting me leave lipstick marks on his hands. He tells me he loves me in holding me when I cry and remaining silent when I need someone to just listen to me. He is the strong, silent figure when I need him to be. He is also the light, glowing being when I am able to match his radiance. The girl with a snake for a mind, a fox for a tongue, and a voice box filled with honey tells me she hates me by enlisting all those who have left me before to make once last stab at my crumpled figure before poisoning me with her invisible spoken fangs. She tells me she hates me by slithering through any defenses and proof of what she is by flicking her hand and letting that fox in her mouth run with phrases that seem clever, but are as empty as her heart and spiked with lies. She is the shadow in a bright room that will never be gone. She is the spider that lurks on your wall, always watching, always spinning her web of hatred in an attempt to ensnare you and dissolve you. She is Jekyll and Hyde, she is the sand stuck inside your wounds, she is the splinter of something you long threw away, something you long ago used to cherish and praise, now rotted and useless. She will never be gone.
It is funny how I have more to say about a girl who hurt me and tried to crack me and infest my innards than a boy who has loved me no matter what the costs were to him. That is because the bad always outweighs the good. It will always have priority in your mind. What is good does not keep you awake at night. What is good does not make you nauseous or want to hide from the world. What is good does not make you question your intent to live. The thing about being happy is that you risk disappointment that you cannot keep being happy. If you are unhappy, it is all in one level. Maybe some unhappiness is more intense or deep, but you need not be worried of falling from such a high level as full-blown euphoria. The thing is, happiness is fleeting. Of course, you could lead a life that will have you waking up and falling asleep with a smile, but happiness is not the default once you grow up. We chase after happiness when it once came so easy to us. The key is not to chase at all. You learn after a while that sadness puts your happiness into perspective. Without sadness, would we feel anything at all? Would we recognize happiness as happiness if there was nothing to contrast it with? I don’t know that answer. I am just a simple being with complicated feelings and a wish.
I don’t want my happiness to be in anyone’s hands ever again.