when I was in 4th grade

i cut all of my hair off

and i dyed it

black and purple

to be like my big sister

who i thought was so pretty

and i felt pretty

at least

for a while

i loved my short hair

i loved that it was bright

i loved it

but

a boy in my class

came up to me and said

i liked you better 

when you were blonde

nothing else

no other words

what am i supposed to do with that?

i don’t know

so

i internalized it

later that year

a different boy

would touch my thigh

every day

in social studies class

i told him to stop

he ignored me

i never told the teacher

because i thought

it wasn’t important

it was important

so important

the next year

in 5th grade

that same boy

gained some confidence

and he cornered me

in the classroom

and he touched my arms

when i told him to stop

he said

i’ll touch you

wherever i want

to touch you

i kept my mouth shut

and internalized it

flash-forward a few years

eighth grade

i told a boy i was bi

big mistake

he gave me a look of disgust

and then he pointed at me

and laughed

the rest of his lunch table joined in

i laughed along with them

not knowing how else

to react

i internalized it

same year

algebra class

i was helping that same boy

with a math problem

i really should have expected it

but

i didn’t

when i leaned forward

to point something out on his paper

that he had so stupidly gotten wrong

he grabbed the back of my head

and pushed it down

to his crotch

all of his friends laughed

and i just blushed and walked away

looking down

 as if i would ever

want to go near

his small d*ck

ninth grade

gym class

i got into an argument 

with a boy

i jokingly pretended

to punch him

he stopped me and said

that i was too heavy to fight him

he was just being a wimp, of course

but it hurt

so i found my voice

and i told him

that what he said was mean

and that he was being a jerk

he whined and said that it was true

i walked away 

but

the next day

we got into another argument about it

his friend joined in

they laughed at me

i tried to kick one of them

 i promise he deserved it

and then

he called me a fatass

and said that i couldn’t get my foot 

off the ground

i flipped him off

and walked away

too afraid of confrontation

that same year

i was talking with my friend in class

she wanted me to take the bus with her

because a car

had been following her bus

on it’s route

i said sure

and jokingly said that I would

protect her

a boy in my class

surprise

laughed

and said that no one would 

ever

want to rape me

i didn’t know how to take that

should i be upset?

confused?

mad?

i can’t feel offended

right?

i’m not going to say

any of their names

it would just be

a waste of time

it doesn’t change a thing

they’re 

just being boys

right?

i didn’t realize

that what they were doing

was bad

until i turned sixteen

guess how old I am now

you got it

sixteen

boys will be boys

right?

doesn’t matter how it hurts girls

doesn’t matter if they make a girl

want to kill herself

every night

when she gets home

she’s just being overdramatic

she’s just

being a girl

girls can’t be girls

but

boys can be boys

right?