Keeping secrets from someone, in any kind of relationship-friendship, romantic-relationship, etc, hurts your relationship with that person. There is a loss of trust and a lack of belief when that person tells you something. There is also hurt even when the people agree not to talk about something. Recently I’ve been learning a lot about trust, friends, and counting on people. Let’s put it this way, it’s been a hard lesson.

On the subject of secretes, trust, and betrayal, there’s my best friend. She and I have known each other forever, and have been besties for the past few years and we’ve told each other so much. I tell my best friend about all my crushes and such, and she does the same. Of course when my boyfriend cheated on me I told her. I told her when I broke up with him. I told her when he and I got back together.

She was so mad when I got back with him. She and our other friend didn’t talk to me for days. It hurt. I had a tough choice to make, and I made it. I love my boyfriend, and I had to give him a second chance. My best friend doesn’t understand that and insults me on my choice every chance she gets. Today I made a deal with her that if she wouldn’t bring him up, then I wouldn’t either, unless he and I break up. I thought it was what I wanted, but it’s not. It sucks. I want to tell my best friend about my worries and concerns about my boyfriend cheating on me, without her saying that I should just break up with him, regardless of what’s going on for real.

I want to tell her how freaked out I am and have her be supportive, and not give advice that is always the same and so biased. I want my best friend to just be there for me, and say “aw, that sucks.” I know it may sound dumb, but I need her, and she is hurting me. This was my decision, and I’m sticking by it, and I need her to stick by me and be supportive regardless of her opinion of what I am doing.

I have no clue if this is related, as in she did this because of her anger, or not, but the other day- Halloween- she and I had planned to go trick-or-treating but then she canceled on me so she could go with another friend. That really hurt me, that she valued her other friend more than me. I cried on Halloween because of her.

My best friend says she doesn’t want to see me get hurt by the guy I’m dating, but by her being unsupportive, and just a jerk in general, she’s hurting me more than he ever could.

I hate how it feels when I can’t trust people, when I feel like I have no one to turn to. I wish it could be summer again, when I loved and trusted my boyfriend so much, and my best friend and I were uber-close. I want the feeling of safety I had. I want the feeling of love from friends, and my boyfriend. I want the feeling of everything being perfect. I miss things being perfect. I know I should be grateful for what I have, but it is so hard when everything feels wrong.

I can’t tell those people I value the most everything I am feeling and that’s the hardest thing of all. I need someone that I trust to listen to my problems but the people I love and trust most are the problems.