I started playing hockey when I was nine years old. I had no athletic skills. I didn’t even understand how to play Hockey. It was the first sport, and the first team sport I ever played. I couldn’t even handle a hockey stick when I joined. But that wasn’t my biggest concern. Most of my worries were about the relationships I wished I had with people and teammates around me.

Hockey I could learn. But I wasn’t good at making new friends and had a hard time understanding how to get close with my teammates and coaches. 

I soon realized that if I showed everyone I was trying hard to learn hockey, they would help me with relationships too.

I always thought making new relationships was very hard and stressful, but after I started Hockey, I discovered friendships were easier to make. Each friendship became stronger than my fears. I found fun inside of each connection I made. Then my anxiety about making friends became an anxiety about how to keep them. I worried that I would have a disagreement and they would walk away and we would no longer be friends. I thought that good friendships meant you never argued or disagreed about things. I feared that if the relationship ended, there was a good chance I would encounter that person again and they would only remember our disagreement, not our friendship and my good qualities.

I didn’t want to get rejected because I had disagreed with someone in high school. I was willing not to confront or upset others or meet my own needs.  This helped me keep the peace and make other people happy. However, I put myself last to make other friends, teachers, teammates, etc. feel better, even if my own needs went unmet or addressed.

I did not know that this people pleasing mindset made my mental health worse. Because I never tended to my own needs first, there was no energy left after tending to the needs of others. I thought I had figured out how to overcome this stress, but I hadn’t. 

Then, a friend I played hockey with in elementary school suggested that I go to junior boarding school in the United States with him. The educational system and life in the states was much better than school life in Korea, but didn’t solve my connection skills.

My English was so bad that I could barely introduce myself in class.  Outside of class I had to play and hang around with Korean friends because they were the only ones I could talk to and play with. I wanted to make friends with my American classmates.

Playing sports played a huge role in making friends in America. I realized that it was necessary for everyone to talk to their teammates, myself included.  That forced communication was what I liked and needed. Even outside of practice, it was normal and expected to sit and eat with teammates or just hang around with them. Relationships became easier for me. A great dorm placement after 8th grade, and good dorm parents helped as well.

In 10th grade Covid, and more difficult academics became more challenging. Sports could only help so much. I started to think about how to get close to people and make friends with them without leaning on sports.

I told myself I had the social skills, but my only obstacle was speaking English better. I just need to start practicing my language skills more. People want to connect with me as much as I want to connect with them, but it’s my responsibility to reach out if I want to develop friendships. Some will not have the patience to be friends, but others will. That mindset worked and I learned that I have the necessary skills to form and keep friendships easily if I just keep reaching out and practicing what I know.