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Finding Conversations
As my dad parked the car, my sister was the first one to step onto the ground. She grabbed her gift in her hand and quickly rushed out. Her legs looked longer as they took huge steps forwards, her feet grazing the ground, and for the first time, on the side pocket of her black leggings, I saw a rectangle like shape, her phone. The weather was nice, with the kind of wind that lightly pushes you, like it's telling you something. We waited for a while in the park. As I chased my brother and slid down slides, in the corner of my eye I saw my sister. Her phone was in her hands. I didn’t pay much attention, instead I climbed on the equipment with my brother, laughing and having fun.
One by one, my friends finally came, and my sister put her phone away, wanting to interact. We played a few games, went to the playground, then we decided to go to the sand volleyball court nearby. Tall trees made the sun speckle in our eyes, the lush grass danced to the soft hum of the wind. The slim uneven path was picky, so we walked in pairs. Our shoes hummed in sync, with only one particular pair of shoes that awkwardly thumped at the end of each step. The shoes that might be mine. I always tried to include my sister with my friends, but today, with her eyes fixated on the ground, and her occasional mumble accompanied with an awkward laugh afterwards, I got carried away with the conversation.
When we sorted out into two teams, I hoped that my sister would have fun, play well and hopefully, not annoy my other friends. We were doing pretty well, the ball was going back and forth, and having occasional deep round circular marks on the grainy sand. I saw her on the other side of the net, slowly walking over to the nearby willow tree for the fifth time, I could tell the reassurances of “it's okay!” and the “It’s alright! You can get it next time!” started to cease a little bit. “You should be more energetic, and look like you want to get the ball so people won’t get annoyed because it looks like you are trying your best!”
Is what I would say if we were alone.
The girls on the other side of the net stood up from their crouched positions, their heads slightly tilted upwards, and their faces turned a dark green.
Crack. Their masks were chipped, and under that, Judgement was shown. Their faces fell. Crack. I quickly shouted “It’s alright! You can get it next time!” not just for the sake of my sister, but for my friends. It was uncomfortable. A big ball of nerves came up to my throat when they judged her. My eyes would sigh when they would exclude her in things just because she was different. They didn’t understand, and I get that, it's hard to sympathize with someone who can be annoying and doesn’t really know how to properly socialize & sympathize with others, but, couldn’t people at least try? They think of her as someone who doesn’t feel anything but what do you know? Even though her brain is different it doesn’t mean she isn’t human, is it? I see her like the caterpillar of butterflies. Different, but still the same.
The whistle blew, and the ball was flying again, along with laughter and giggles. Though I couldn’t see the laughter and fun that was flying around. I couldn’t feel it. The sand seemed more grainy now, I could feel each and every little particle sink under my weight.
As we were walking back to the park, my other friends walked ahead of the group. Their long shadows were stepped on by 3 pairs feet. I was talking with my friend from before and my sister was following close behind. My long shadow casted over her feet. The sun was setting, we only walked a few steps in silence, enjoying the cool breeze and the lively sounds of animals chirping and rustling, until my friend gave a gift. A perfectly wrapped present with a big pink bow that begged you to open it. She said “How was your dance competition?” The words rung like an ancient gong that was waiting to be used. Each vowel was spoken with meaning and the consonants were perfectly enunciated. My sister gladly opened it, ripping the delicate bow and tearing the wrapping paper. As she skipped ahead, onto the shadowless ground, I stepped aside so she could be in the eye line with my friend. The sound from the gong still faintly rings in my ears.
They were talking a bit about dance, until my sister said “How’s your pet, Cactus?” My friend, Anastasia, smiled, in thankfulness and excitement, and started to talk about her lizard. I wonder what kind of gift she got. My sister genuinely smiled back, not the kind of smiles that you do for pictures, but the kind of smile for when you genuinely care about something. The kind of smile you have when you are laughing with someone that means something to you. The kind when you feel so happy and just want to be kind to everyone. The kind of smile where it is so meaningful and true that you don’t realize you are smiling. I always knew Anastasia was nice, and had sympathy for someone like my sister, but I was really relieved at that point. My eyes didn’t sigh. It's in these moments, when you feel this strong burst of gratitude and love for people. It's in these moments when you are thankful for everything that was given to you. It's in these moments when you actually realize where you are and how much more there is to people and life.
There was a soft hum in my ears. The birds started to softly sing their symphony and there was the distant running of animals in excitement. The air felt cleaner and my lungs were washed, and rewashed. My mind felt empty, empty with content and gratitude. I could see their lips curving upwards and the slight squinting of their eyes. The genuine interest and the realization of the beautiful thing called a conversation was shown on both of their faces.
I was soon walking on my sister’s shadow that was joyfully cast after her. I wasn’t in this precious conversation, and I liked that. I wonder how my sister felt as her lips actually curved upward, the type of curve that wasn’t focused on the bottom lip, as she talked to someone. The sky had a pretty hue and had clouds that were stretched by the warm delicacies of the world. Soon, we were all talking together. Laughing, and feeling warm inside. Enjoying ourselves amidst the other distractions. It was nice.
Sadly, we were back at the playground, out of breath, wanting the uneven path to never stop twisting and curving, leading us to new beginnings and realizations. Everyone gathered around to eat cake and give out gifts. Yes, the cake was delicious and moist, and yes, there were plenty of funny jokes and comments that were passed around, but I couldn’t hear the song of the birds that well. I didn’t fully realize my surroundings and where I was. I couldn’t feel that blissful secretive warmness. I’m not sure if Anastasia realized how happy her two words made me, but I really am grateful for a friend like her.
I want to help and support my sister, and show better sympathy. I want to be someone who she can rely on in the future and come to for help. But, I also want her to grow as a person and work hard so she can achieve her goals and aspirations. I can’t promise her anything in the future because I have my own life and I can’t control what happens tomorrow, but what I can control is my actions. I want to become a good leader and be a good influence to all of my siblings.
I want to treat her with kindness, not only my sister, but my younger brother too. Ideally, I would like to treat everyone with kindness and show sympathy to each and every person. I want to be more aware of my current surroundings and be more grateful for everything that was provided and given to me. Live everything and use everything that you have to the best of your ability and don’t waste it. For me, and for the world, this would be great, wouldn’t it?
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My sister has aspergers, and its hard for her to socialize.