A Story of Divorce

Annela Sahli is my grandmother on my mom’s side. About 25 years ago, she went through a particularly nasty divorce, as her husband cheated on her. She grew up in a small town, lived with other people her whole life, and never really had a job, so after the divorce, she had to take two jobs, live in a friends house for a few years, and learn how to do everything alone, like she had never done before.

OK, so the first question is where were you born?

North Dakota; Bismarck, North Dakota. I am 72.

What were some of the struggles that you faced growing up in North Dakota?

I come from a little town in Glen Ullin, it was 50 miles from Bismarck. I had really strict parents. We had nothing in Glen Ullin, we had one restaurant, one movie theater which I had to work at with my dad, who owned it. I had to work every night. I couldn’t get to the big town, Bismarck, or do any activities, because my parents were very strict and I had to be home every night. On school nights, I could never go out. On Friday and Saturday, if I did go to a game, I had to be home after the game, which was nine o’clock.

So it was a pretty small town?

2,000 people

Tell me about how you felt after getting the divorce.

I didn’t know [I was getting a divorce], the struggle was, when I found out I was getting a divorce, I was able to stay in my house for two years until the divorce became final. In that time, I fell down the stairs, broke my ankle, was in the hospital for 7 days, and my mom had to come and help me. For 3 months, I was just stuck in the house by myself, and then eventually when I got the divorce, it happened so fast I was able to sell my house. I had no place to go, and I had thought that I had a place to go, but that didn’t work out, so I ended up going to a friend who had LAS [the disease where they were like a prisoner in their own body, they couldn’t move one muscle, AKA Lou Gehrig's Disease].

She had 4 children, and I asked her if I could stay there, so she gave me one bedroom, and I stayed there for about a year with my dog. In all that time, I had to get a babysitter everyday; I had to pay someone to take care of the dog. I realized that I couldn’t afford to get into a townhouse, so I ended up working two full time jobs, at United Airlines full time, and then I worked at Portillo's full time, just so I could make a living and eat and save some money so I could get into a townhouse.

Were any of your kids still at home when-

No, they were all in college. Christie had just graduated [from high school] and was going to community school. Corrine and Carmelle, the oldest, were in college. They really had no place to come home to because I was living in one small room, and when Christie got married, my mom came down and we had to stay in a hotel room because there was no place for anyone to stay. It was very difficult, and I still worked two full time jobs. Eventually, I had to take the dog to North Dakota, hoping my mom would take care of the her, but she didn’t take care of the dog, so I had to bring her back. I wasn’t able to take care of her [the dog] anymore. Eventually, I was able to save enough money after two years living in this one room, and then I was able to move into my townhouse right now.

Was it hard to work two jobs at the same time?

It was, because I would get up in the morning never knowing what job I was going to. Sometimes I would forget how to dress- to dress for work [United] or to dress for Portillo's. It was a struggle and I made it, and it makes you a better person. It makes you realize what you have and what you don’t have, and what you want to have in the future. And there’s nothing wrong with hard work.

When you moved into this townhouse, was it scary to live on your own?

It was, because I had never lived alone before, so that was very scary. I immediately put in a security system, and then slowly, I was able to able to furnish it. I was still working two full time jobs; I worked two full time jobs for 10 years, and then I was able to buy some things that I needed. I think the biggest struggle was when I was working at United, I was only making $7 and hour, so I wasn't able to really feed myself or stay anywhere for that kind of money. That’s why I got another job at Portillo’s, which was also $7 an hour. So I ended up making $14 an hour, which I was enough where I was able to at least feed myself. But I never did anything, I never went out, I just worked all the time.

What were some of the things that you had to do differently after getting the divorce?

I had to do everything myself, which I wasn’t used to. I had to live alone, which I had never had to do, because I went from high school, to nurses training, to living with roommates, and getting married, so I never lived alone. That was a really hard struggle for me. I was just trying to make it month after month on the little bit of money that I was making. It makes you realize nowadays how hard it is for people who are unable to support themselves, and not able to work two jobs like I did. I had no small children at home, so I was able to take care of myself.

Were there any people in particular who helped you get through this hard time?

I would say my mom helped me a little bit. Not much, because she was so far away, in North Dakota. Carmelle and Corrine helped me; Carmelle helped me with my finances, and when they would come home [from college], they would support me in that way. When you get a divorce, the people that you did know, 25 years ago, did not want to be around people who were divorced. They thought it was a stigma, and they didn’t want that to happen to them, so they sort of shunned me at that time. I really had no one except my work people. I didn’t have anybody at night, because I was always working; I didn’t get home until eleven o’clock at night, and then I was up at six in the morning to go to my second job, so I never really had any support. I did go to two support groups, that helped me; I think I had one day off on wednesday night, which I did go go [the support group].

Do you think that overcoming such a hardship has made you a better person?

Oh yes, it has, it makes me stronger, and it makes you realize you should never depend on anybody but yourself. I can ask for help or support and get some other ideas, but ultimately, it’s my responsibility to take care of myself. Also, I think it made me a stronger person at work, because I was able to figure things out by myself, with some occasional help from my two daughters. When I needed some advice on something, I would always ask them and then move forward. Other than that, I think the biggest thing was that I was able to stand alone and realize that that’s what it has to be. You don’t need a whole lot of other people. And I guess the trust issue; It’s hard to trust people again.

Is there anything else you want to talk about?

I went into therapy, I took off work, but I don’t think that really relevant to people who want to know about that kind of stuff. When you go through divorce, it affects people differently. It affected me hard, because I was not used to being alone, and I didn’t know about things that were going on, and so, it was hard for me to adjust to that. If you don’t know [about getting the divorce], it happens overnight, all of a sudden. I ended up having a breakdown. I was in the hospital for seven weeks, so I had to take off work, and that was just a struggle.

My mother was brought up not to give money, and even though she could’ve helped me out, she didn’t. She was at that age, 25 years ago, where they just didn’t know how to help. If she would’ve given me some money, then I wouldn’t have had to work two jobs for so long. She didn’t know any better, and at that time, you never ask parents for any money, that just was unheard of. Now, I try to help everyone out as much as I can. If they need anything, and I have it, I would certainly give it to them. I think the hardest thing was trying to feed myself, and trying to get into a house. That’s why I was working; I saved every single penny.

Living at that house, that one room, was not easy. They had four kids, hated me. And even though she didn’t charge me, I had to keep the house clean, and cook once a week for all of the kids. She couldn’t get out of bed, she had LAS, the disease where they were like a prisoner in their own body, they couldn’t move one muscle. I was able to stay there for two years. Then eventually, I was able to move into this house. But she eventually died. Her kids did not like me because I kept the house clean, and they didn’t like that. And I never asked them to do anything. It was just a long, hard, hard, struggle. But of course, I’m very independent now, It makes me a better person to be independent. It makes it easier for me, because everyone [the kids] was in school, or out of the house, so it made it easier. Because I think when you have little kids, it’s very stressful on everybody.

I was really glad that I did this interview, because I saw a whole new side of my grandmother that I had never known of. I had known of her divorce, but I had no idea of what she had to go through just to survive. She is one of the most generous people I know, giving gifts and money to us no matter what the occasion. Even now, at 72, she is still one of the hardest workers I know. My mom says she has plenty of money to retire, but she doesn’t want to because she wants to keep giving. Next time she gives me a gift for christmas, my birthday, or just for no apparent reason, I’ll think of how long and how hard she had to work to earn than money.