Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in. This was a fortune cookie I got at a typical Chinese restaurant on a date with a guy. This is my story: I don’t think he’ll ever quite understand how I feel. He’s always is too loose and when I try to say something serious he doesn’t understand. He tunes me out in a sense or more so he can’t understand something meant to be serious. He’s the greatest thing that’s happened to me in the last few months. I wake up in the morning and he is the first thing on my mind. Even though, I can’t deny, that most times he doesn’t even give a thought about me. And yes he is a guy, but still my heart aches to have him once just call randomly. Just to let me know he misses me. At the same time I know he won’t; no matter how much I want him too. I just want to know how his day was. More than that I wish he’d keep me close. I wish he’d take my hand, put his arm around me, just look into my eyes and see that deep down somewhere for some reason I like him. He isn’t romantic, he never tells me I’m beautiful, he never shallows his Cuban pride and realizes that the more he talks about races the more offended I get. But yet I still like him; there’s still this pulse that races through my brain when we kiss and no matter what there is always the hope that he might someday understand. He isn’t Freddie Prince Jr. or any other fairly hot Hollywood star but to me he is everything. I want nothing more than to lay out under the starts next to him feeling the grip of his hands as he holds me close from the nip of the late night November wind. And yet I’ve committed the crime. The crime I promised myself I would never commit again. I’ve fallen and continue to fall with each day we spend together or don’t. They warned me but my feelings can’t be ignored. As much as I try to tell myself I haven’t because he hasn’t fallen with me, I can’t. I want him too; I want him to fall for me the way I’ve fallen for him. Seeing only the most amazing qualities and being immune to the worst. I want him to see me as the girl he can’t imagine being without and not just a girl whom he’s dating. I want him to proud of me to be able to say to anyone how much I mean to him. But I’m not crazy, it’s not like we’ve been attached since we were five. I know he won’t feel this way about me right now but maybe someday. Maybe. He hurts me. I don’t care that he has friends that are girls, that’s great, maybe he’ll learn more about how we are. I just get sort of discouraged when he talks about how wonderful they are, when deep down I know he doesn’t tell them about me. I have my doubts; mostly because he never does anything to make me believe he cares for me but he’ll talk up every girl that isn’t me. I can’t even try and describe my reaction if he’d do just one thing, one thing, to show me he cares. Actions truly do say more than words. He can say back to me when I tell him I like him I like you too but that means nothing in the end if you never do anything to back it up. It doesn’t have to be special. Just a simple text using a buddies phone with a effortless message would be enough. A phone call, a surprise drop by, or just doing something I want to do. Whether it be cuddling or lying under the stars. He has dictated many of things that happen between us. I have little say in what we do or when or where. If he wants to make rules he can but if I want to then I can’t. I want to go out to dinner alone, he wants to bring a friend. He doesn’t understand that I crave alone time with him, time to possibly let him see my grace and beauty. He also thinks I’m stupid when I don’t laugh at jokes. He thinks I have no sense of humor. But really I’m taken by his unique appeal when he laughs like he needs to laugh to survive. I can’t help but just watch him to see his face in complete joy without a care in the world. He takes my breath away, even though I know I don’t take his away. My heart skips a beat when I first see him but I know his heart stays at a steady pace. My smile widens when he’s happy even if he ‘s occupied with something other than me. I continually try and get close to him but he makes it impossible. As he unlatches our fingers because he doesn’t want to hold my hand or when I want him to hold me and he just wants to do something else. But no matter how much he continually hurts me I still fall. I can’t say why and I doubt I ever will, for some strange reason. It’s like he has this ability to keep me from reacting to things I normally would react too. I don’t understand how I can put myself out there and for him to be blind or over confident. Like he knows I’d never breakup with him but someday I might, if things don’t change. A relationship is about two people. Both individuals should be happy, both equally sharing and receiving. And I am happy when I am with him but I also have to look out for me. I know what my heart truly wants, the affection, attention, and love. I’ve been so lonely these last few months and now that he has come I want all those things again. But I suppose I’m asking for too much, I suppose I expect him to be my knight and shining armor but I can’t let him. I feel like well maybe, even though I like him and cherish the moments we spend together that I’ll always be waiting and wanting more than he can give me. Hoping he’ll understand, listen and care. I continue to wait because I know my feelings for him are strong, but I’m not sure my state of being will allow for the time need for to understand what I really want. And I feel so guilty reading this seeing all the “Is’”. Maybe there are so many because I feel like I’m the only one who wants this? I’m not really sure. He can say and do the sweetest things sometimes. Like when I’m lying in his arms and he gently rubs my back. Or when he looks and me and says I’ll see you Saturday. That’s special to me because he remembered what he said earlier that day. It was the first small step in the right direction. I’m sure he couldn’t see the gleam in my eyes when he said that, but there was that twinkle -- this wonderful amazing feeling.
I want to call him; it’s been days since we have talked. I want to see how’s just to been. To make sure he remembers I exist and that he still cares about us. To tell him I miss him and can’t wait until Saturday. I want to pick up my phone and call but I am afraid. No, not of him but what he’ll say. Unfortunately there is always this awful lingering thought that he might have changed his mind. I can’t get the thought to go away. I try; I tell myself that it’s not possible. But hearing him talk about all the girls at school only makes me wonder --- wonder if I’m no longer good enough. How’s that possible? I don not know since I care so much about him. I care even though I know he is not writing about me like I am writing about him. And how could he hurt me like that? What kind of man, with any kind of heart, could just find someone else in three days and leave me? The insecurities I fell are more his fault than mine. Like I’ve written over the days if he’d take a few minutes out of his day for me -- just a few than I wouldn’t be so worried. And yet I can’t help but want to see him again. To have his attention on me -- to hear his heart beat while my head is on his chest. To close my eyes and catch a glimpse of my own internal peace; to hold time at a stand still while capturing a snap shot to treasure. I would sometimes like to yell at him, to ask him how he can let an amazing girl wait by her phone to hear his voice. To go days without seeing him and feeling as though no matter how strongly she feels for him it still doesn’t matter! I want him to see it through my eyes -- to know what its like to want him so bad, to think about him all day long and have to know at the same time you’re the furthest thing from his mind. To let him see my past so he knows I deserve some type of reciprocation. I remember saying on the first date we had that it was essential to have a boyfriend whom I could call at anytime if I needed to talk. I wanted someone to count on, but how can I call him if he has no time for me? Time. It seems to be one of the biggest obstacles. No time for him to call. No time for us to see each other on the weekdays. And if time isn’t the enemy it’s distance. He lives about thirty-five minutes from where I do. But nothing I have said will stop me. He’s too important -- there’s too much potential for us, and too many unmade memories. I really want to take him to my homecoming, I want to see his face when he looks at me in a dress and heels with all my confidence radiating for miles. Those are the moments I long for.
It’s a new day and the same challenges stick fast to my brain, invading my thoughts and never allowing me to concentrate. It’s hard being on this emotional roller coaster. Being happy when I am with him and lost and confused when I am not. Being jerked from happiness to devastation when reality hits that it will be another week until I’m reminded of why I play this game. I can only try and distract myself over the weekdays with the thought of seeing him again. His amazing, wonderful self, in his well chosen clothing looking, as I’d say f-i-n-e. It’s incredible how much you can learn about someone in just a short period of time. You see the best and try and forget the worst. Remember the way it feels to have him hold you as the tingles run up and down your spine. While trying to forget that you’re constantly reminded that you’re “European White”, even though that is nothing to be ashamed of. We’re all people, whether it’s the little girl getting an ice cream cone or the man in Austria playing the piano. We are all just people, no matter where you lived or what you color of your skin is, we’re are all humans. I will say that people act differently based on where they lived or live and other factors. It just gets old having him rag on while people -- considering my past and just in general who I am surrounded by. I still think he is the greatest. Like when his eyes become big as a baseball is being hit from the park and his team wins even though that means my team loses. He isn’t very giving in that sense. He doesn’t follow the cardinal rule -- eventually let the girl win. Maybe that’s good, I guess I’ve just become used to it. I do wish though I could make a few rules, just to benefit me. I tend to get the short end of the stick when it comes to our extracurricular activities. My main goal is just to get closer to him. To have a good relationship with him, one that you like each other enough to at least hug when you first see them. I want him to remember that when we’re with other people just to take a few minutes just to be with me. Not to leave me out because he knows I am shy -- just simply having his arm around me makes me feel more invited and welcome. I can’t figure out why he won’t get close to me? I know he is hiding something. I know because I already know what he is hiding, but he has never told me. I want him to know that I like him for who he is and that doesn’t matter to me. He’s lucky he can hide it when my biggest problem is noticeable to anyone. But I know he is hiding something else. The truth is though, I’m afraid to know the truth. I don’t want to venture into ideas of what could be stopping him. He made this comment the last time I saw him about not wanting to get serious until after school started. He didn’t want me to go back to school and see someone and realize I’d rather go out with them. I explained to him that isn’t how I am; you don’t do that to someone. To me when he said that it means one of two things. Either he is just as worried about rejection as I am or he thinks he might be in the situation and doesn’t want to get involved until he is sure there’s not a girl at his school he’d rather date. That’s the possibility I can’t handle thinking about. I haven’t had enough time or a fair shot. He has been holding back this whole time. How can I capture his heart if he never gives me the chance? How can I be the girlfriend he deserves if he doesn’t let me? Those are the questions I have no answer for.
It’s now been four days, four long, long days. Four days of disappointment as I wake up and realize it’s not Saturday. Four days of wondering what he could be doing. I’ve tried to sound positive but it’s getting harder. If I were him I couldn’t let myself go days without talking to me. So how can he? I ask myself did I do something wrong? I go through all the time we have spent together, every detail. This is how I know I am hooked. It’s not a good thing, at least not at the time it isn’t. I’ve put myself in a bad position. I’ve opened my arms and am now vulnerable. I hope he doesn’t hurt me. I hope he realizes my intentions are pure. I hope he can see I have the heart of an angel and that I could never hurt him. Everything I have written in here I wish I could share with him. I can’t. He’d probably think I’m obsessed and crazy. I’m not. I wouldn’t be writing this if I could just tell him. I wouldn’t be writing this if he would open up to me. I’m not obsessed just looking for someone to spend time with and eventually love. I’m sure to him that is a forbidden word. It’s the word I’ll never hear from him, no matter how long we are together. I’m not sure why? It’s a very uncomplicated word. Love is something we show everyday; don’t get me wrong it is special and has an impact when people say it but you shouldn’t shy away from saying it because it might attach a few extra strings. I can’t even get him to say he misses me. Yeah he says it back but I have a feeling he only says it because he feels obligated. So I know that if I can’t get him to say that I shouldn’t hold my breath on him saying the word love ever.
And again I sit here ten at night, phone near by, writing because I miss him. I sit here contemplating how he could be so insensitive? Somewhere I know there’s a great boyfriend and this is why I continue to wait. Continue to keep myself in the position where I could get hurt. But I’m a firm believer in if you don’t take chances you’ll always be wondering “What if?” And I’d rather know I tried than wonder; I’d rather put my heart out there knowing I stayed true to myself and get hurt. It’s then on him if he chooses to do the same or not. I know I’m shy and a little too serious but that’s why he is so good for me, he balances me out. My mind continues to search for the answer to what could have been so important that he couldn’t see fit to call me in the last four days? I suppose I’m guilty too. But I can’t let myself break down and call him. If I call I’ll never know if he cares enough about me to call. I know to know not just through words but also through actions. I need him to step up and treat me like I treat him. I’m sure he has no idea I cry. Cry because he makes me feel so inadequate. I know no one can make you own feelings you don’t want to but sometimes it’s hard. I guess though to him it wouldn’t matter he’d just think I was overreacting. But I’m not. Eventually being let down over and over again wears you down. Eventually you need to vent and I cry. And as the tears rolled down my cheeks in my mind all could only envision him smiling not even concerned with me. Sad huh?
Today’s yet another day. I suppose I should break down and call but I’m really sick to stomach. I had this awful dream waking up scared to death followed by the even more sickening feeling that it’s Friday and I still haven’t heard from him. I can’t help but remind myself of why I like him. He is a great guy from his laid-back personality to his more sensitive side. Maybe it’s not him but me. I’m guilty just as much as him. I’m guilty of not calling, being hard to deal with, over thinking things, and trying too hard. I need to stop but I can’t. Previous memories still haunt me -- I’m sure I haven’t fully healed. I do not regret my pervious relationships because I believe you can’t appreciate true love until you’ve been hurt. But I learned some things from my past ones that hinder me. I was too selfish last time but this time I have made a hundred and eighty degree spin and give more than I get. I go from one end of the spectrum to the other, neither of which are good. If it were like last time we’d talk everyday and spend countless hours just enjoying each other’s company. This in the end became the problem we over suffocated each other. This time though I never see him and have no communication with him; I can’t seem to find the happy medium. I just want to find a compromise. I want to see him. I want him to sit next to me when we go out to dinner instead of the other side of the table with his friend. That really isn’t asking for too much. It’s like when he knows he said something to upset me because he can see the look in my eye he should ask what’s wrong not act as though I can never justify being upset. Something else I’ll never understand about him is how he can say Katy Perry is hot and Miriah Carey has a good body, but the girl who cares about him so much he can’t find the words to tell her that. Actually come to think about it he hasn’t ever complicated me. I wonder why I bother making my toenails match my shirt, or why I try on lots of outfits to find the best one or make my hair good. He never notices. He doesn’t even notice the things guys are supposed to notice.
I’m sitting here listening to rain falling -- I think the sky is crying for me. I’m listening to country music; it sets the tone for how I feel. Lolli Lolli just isn’t something I can relate to right now. I’m listening to Squeezin’ the Love Outta You, which in five words sums up exactly how I feel. I’m tried of trying to squeeze the love of him, feeling like I’m not good enough because he wants very little to do with me. Everyone in my house can sense that something is wrong. When Me starts returning to her country music collection and is enjoying singing it there has to be something on her mind. With my birthday only a few days away I can’t help but wonder if he’ll even remember. I really just want to spend it with him after I’m done at school. I’d like to go out to eat and just spend some nice quality time with him. I can’t say for sure what will happen, it’s only Friday and Saturday hasn’t even come yet. I continue you to sit here realizing I’m running low on emotion. Low on energy, compassion, forgiveness, and will power. Where’s karma? How can you do some much and get nothing in return? How can you think about someone all day long and when there the reason you are so lonely? It just comes in the contract that if you are dating someone you expect to talk and spend time with them and that’s what I expect. Maybe my expectations are too unreasonable for someone of his caliber, age, and experience to fulfill. I know I’m only seventeen but as anyone can tell I’m not typical. I don’t like being a teenager; I especially don’t like playing the teenage dating game. I just want to find someone I can be happy with, to wake up and know whom I’ll be with forever. I want to find a man with aspirations of a future. Someone who will stand by my side if I stand by there’s. I don’t live in a fantasy world though and I’m not crazy. I know finding this type of guy will be hard and that nothing is forever. I’m not stupid but I aim high and I work hard and I have faith that one day it will happen.
It’s now Sunday and I have nothing but the taste of disappointment in my mouth as I wake up and remember yesterday was Saturday. Yesterday was the day that got me through the week, the day I thought about for hours. The day I got ready for and the day that never came. I called him seven times between Friday and Saturday. Each time the phone rang, each time it was never answered. Again I was the furthest thing from his mind. He never called me back or gave a thought about Saturday being the day we were supposed to spend together. Instead like numerous times before I was left to feel less than desired. I couldn’t mop or cry, I had to be strong for my little sister. I didn’t want her to see me get hurt again. She hates seeing a guy treat me the way he was and so I bottled up my feelings. I pretended like nothing had happened at all. I didn’t let her see the tears well up behind my eyes or the thought of disappointment make my body ache, that night though I did cry two tears. One for me and the day of only utter shame and the other for him because he’s too ignorant to see the wonderful woman I am. I was shameful because I had actually believed he’d remember. I cried a tear for him because he should be the one crying. He’s passing up someone who would be there, who wouldn’t do him wrong, who wants nothing more than to please him. I’m not going to try and call him anymore nor make an attempt to see him. He tried to play hard to get and he has succeeded. I no longer have anymore to give him. He has wasted everything away. He has spoiled memories to come and made the made memories leave a bitter after taste. I’ve struggled as hard as I can for something I believe in, but I believe no more.

I later found out that he never picked up his phone and Saturday never came because he didn’t like me. I’m not exactly sure when he stopped or if he really every started. I do believe though at one time he did since I don’t think he was that good of a faker. He thought if he didn’t pick up his phone I would forget about him; I was nothing more than a joke to him. (He must of also thought I was stupid if that was his manly way of letting me know it was over.) In exactly one month he went from being the best thing of my summer to the worst. I was nothing more than some girl he used. The day I took him to the Orioles vs. Yankee’s baseball game meant nothing to him. Nothing did. He just wanted to go to a baseball game on someone else’s wallet. Looking back at this I see all the signs pointing to this ending; but I know there is some reason I had to go through all this. I do hope though no girl ever meets guy like this; I’m sure many have and many more will. For my sake and his I hope we can both take something from this. And I would like to apologize for anything I may have done because I too am only human. I hope he finds nothing but happiness and my optimism continues with the hope the he wishes the same for me. I wish this even knowing to this day he calls me names no girl should be referred to as. He makes up lies about me; but despite this I hope his life is nothing short of extraordinary. So to all you teenage girls take what you can from these miserable experiences because someday you will find “him” and these guys who make us struggle will only be the stepping-stones from the past. Struggle as hard as you can for whatever you believe in (I know I will); someday it will be worth it.