I’m sure you’ve already heard about how difficult high school can be. But it’s only hard if you let it become hard. This essay is about how not to ­succeed during these four years of school. If you wish to do well and pass your classes, stop reading right now and continue on the righteous path to grad­uation. But if you would rather become a burnt-out failure and spend the rest of your life flipping burgers and asking “Would you like fries with that?” with no high school diploma, college degree, or respectable job, keep on reading. Your homework can wait until tomorrow. Or next week. Or never.

This leads me to the first skill you must master in order to fail. Procrastination is defined as putting things off until the last possible minute, and then kicking yourself for not getting it done and over with when you had the chance instead of watching TV, going tanning, or texting your BFFs. When your teacher passes out the rubric for the “important” project that’s due in a week, put it in the back of your folder. Then forget about it. You’ll get it done eventually. When the time comes to turn in that project and you’re the only one who hasn’t done it, give yourself a pat on the back – you’re one step closer to becoming head fry cook at McDonald’s.

Another very important ability you must possess in order to fail high school is tardiness. Never, ever come to school on time. Your beauty sleep is much more important than a bright, successful future. So when that irritating alarm starts screaming at you at 6:30, slam your hand on the snooze button. Better yet, unplug the thing. And when you waltz into the school office to sign in just before lunch, be sure to tell them that you’re trying to win the “Most Likely Not to Succeed” superlative. They’ll understand. As a matter of fact, they’ll probably put in their votes for you immediately.

The third skill you must have in order to not be all you can be in high school is disorganization. Why bother trying to sort your papers into a heavy binder with pockets, dividers, and tabs? Just go to the store and purchase the cheapest, flimsiest folder you can find and shove in all your papers. If you don’t want to graduate with your class, there’s no point in wasting your time and money maintaining a system that will help you locate what you need when you need it. Oh, and instead of taking notes, spend your time doodling the name of whom­ever you “heart” all over the folder. You’ll be the coolest kid walking around with a folder soaked in ink and stuffed so full of overdue assignments that it’s barely hanging on by its paper hinges.

Well, I hope you enjoyed my directions on how to become one of the Bur­ger King’s loyal subjects. Graduation is a long way off, and the four years spent getting there are no fun if you do what you’re supposed to do when you’re supposed to do it. So, good luck with the burrito-making. High school requires thinking outside the bun … I mean box. Why waste your energy? By the way, if you’re still reading this essay and taking it to heart, I wish you the best of luck. You’re really going to need it.

Sincerely, A High School Graduate