Very few people understand what love is. Even fewer at 15. Fewer still know what to do with it. This is a simple compilation of all the different possibilities.

1. Write a note declaring your feelings (in latin class of course)

“That’s not for you.”
“Whatever, I’m reading it.”
“This looks like…bed!”
“Excuse me?! That’s not what it says!”
“I’m going to reject your advances, lookit here you are in bed ALONE.”

2. Tell him you don’t hate him, thus implying with your clever litotes that you love him.

“I strongly dislike you.”
“Thank you.”

3. Offer him food as a sign of your affection

“Can I have some?”
“No.”

4. Attempt to convince him that he’s in love with another man. This will prove that you will accept him no matter his preferences.

“See this is what you really want to say to him- ahem, ‘Oh, Nick, you’re so manly and good at…latin, I just don’t know what to do with myself!’”
“When did I ever say THAT?”
“You didn’t, it’s IMPLIED.”
“Implied from what? All I did was ask for his dictionary.”
“UM, in a super flirty sort of way! Who needs to touch someone while asking to borrow something? I don’t go, oh, Chris, let me borrow your pencil, touch touch!”

5. Shower him with attention and compliment his appearance

“Do you like my haircut?”
“NO. You look even worse than normal. I didn’t think that was possible.”
“Why are you so mean to me?”
“Mean? I’m nothing but nice to you!”

6. Introduce him to your closest friend

“Well, what do you think?”
“What do I think? He is a GOD.”
“What? No. No. I only introduced you so you can see for yourself how much of a nutcase he is! God? That’s highly offensive…he’s more of a camel. Camel god, maybe, but-”
“No, you’ve got him all wrong. He’s so amazing! He knows everything! I flatter him so much, but he deserves it, you know when I asked him-”

He’s not good enough for her. I think it’s because she loves him that I hate him so much. We’ve been best friends for so long and she deserves more than an arrogant, awkwardly tall, angular, pompous, narcissistic bigot. She worships the ground he tramples over and I count the minutes until he prances off.

6. Discuss his attributes with your friends

“He’s so smart.” She coos.
“Yeah. A smartass.”
“What? No! Anyway, he’s also very manly.”
“Yeah. WO-manly.”
“Tall-“
“…and bulimic-”
“Cute-“
“…to under developed monkeys maybe.”
“He’s so amazing, why can’t you see that?”

I’m just afraid that he’ll take her away and then turn her into that perfect cute little suburban housewife who I’ll never see outside the grocery store. I’m afraid he’s going to ruin all her crazy dreams of tea shops and carrot farms and she’ll be forced to lose sight of things that make her who she is. I’m afraid he’ll take her and ruin her. Ruin what makes her so special and happy and he’s just not good enough for her. He’s not good enough to give everything up for.

7. Smile at him

“Why are you glaring at me?”
“I don’t know; why AM I glaring at you?”

I strongly dislike him. I’m upset with him. I argue with him. I never listen to him. I complain about him every chance I get. I have never and will never declare anything remotely resembling affection for him.

So why does everyone keep telling me it’s me who’s in love with him?

*- Note: The author is much too lazy to write out thirty steps. Um. Just pretend.