When I heard my stomach growl, and I could feel that “hungry” feeling, I actually felt happy, I finally had control. When I was a child, my doctors put me on these hormones, and I blew up like a balloon. I was developing at a fast paced rate in elementary school, and I had no control over it. I ate well, and was athletic, but the hormones I was put on was something I could not control. Everyone called me fat, because I was way taller and bigger than everyone else. Nobody was as big as me, I was giant. Throughout my whole life since elementary, I’ve always been the “fat girl.” 

To this day no matter how healthy I eat along with exercise, it is difficult for me to lose weight. I feel as though I can eat one piece of celery and gain 5 pounds. Then, you have other girls my age who are particularly thin, and can eat 5 times their own body weight, and stay stick thin. My self-esteem has pretty much always been below 0, and I can dedicate that all to bullying. I’ve always been teased for my weight, and being “ugly.” That’s why I discovered makeup at such a young age, and that’s why I am now teased for being a “cake face” today. So, if I wear no makeup I’m ugly, and if I wear makeup, I’m less ugly but trying to hide the fact that I am ugly. Funny, because I was actually just told that today. “Why do you wear makeup? Answer: You’re trying to hide that you’re ugly.”

All the insults people have said to me ring throughout my head every day like a crappy song on the radio that gets stuck in your head. I used to look at myself in the mirror when I was hungry, and the hunger would go away. Not eating for days satisfied me, because I had self-control, and I could see the number on the scale going down. How about on my vacation last summer, I felt disgusting in my bikini. I ran off to the public bathrooms in my campsite, and cried over a toilet for hours because I ate grapes that day, and was ashamed of myself. Or, when I cried with a razorblade in my hand because I was a failure, and was not good enough. I’ve been trying to overcome these thoughts I have about myself, and sometimes it gets hard, but I have tried to turn this negativity throughout my life into a positive.

I have grown a thick skin. Sometimes I still get hurt over some things, but for the most part, I’ve learned a life lesson: People who are unhappy with themselves, will do anything to try to bring others down. I try to not let things people say to me bother me, because I just have to tell myself that they’re so miserable with themselves and their life, that they have to try to take me down as well, and I’m trying my best to overcome this negativity, and be happy and confident with myself. I’ve had to go through these bad things to understand what’s behind it. I’ve also had to come to terms with how society is, because nowadays, the people in my generation are so judge mental, that you can’t lower yourself to other people’s levels, and don’t let anybody knock you down, or dull your sparkle.