Old Mr. Whitfield is quite a wonderful man. He served in the military, was married for 40 years, raised four children, and-well, I think you get the point.
But it really was a shame. I wish I didn’t have to constrict his airway.
I had started my day like any other: I got up, combed my hair, grabbed my briefcase, and headed to the mall to strike down some new, unsuspecting victims. Or as I like to call it: work.
The mall wasn’t very crowded today, which of course, meant, less citizens I got to harm. I really don’t get paid enough for this job.
Did I mention the rudeness of the pedestrians today? When I was on the elevator riding up to the food court to get a vanilla latte from Starbucks, I tried to strike up a conversation with the woman beside me. It was really awkward; we were the only two in the elevator.
“Nice day isn’t it?” I said to the woman.
But of course, she didn’t even acknowledge, and she pulled out her phone. I should’ve suspected that. People always treat me like this. It’s kind of like no one can even hears me. She’s probably still mad at me for what I did to her uncle last year.
“Look,” I said in an attempt to defuse the tension between us, “your uncle was a great guy, but he was old and needed to go. I really hope this isn’t going to cause a problem between us.”
Then the elevator doors opened, and she walked straight out without saying anything. I guess the jokes on her because-since she was so rude- I would be paying her a visit soon.
The service at Starbucks wasn’t too good, either. Like any normal person, I patiently waited for the stereotypical crazy old lady while she tried to order.
“What do you mean ‘Ma’am, this isn’t Subway’?” the old lady demanded, waving her cane around.
I was seriously tempted to kill her off then-she was old- but I practiced my anger-management and stress relieving techniques I learned from the Dr. Oz show, and kept my cool.
Once one of the clerks directed the old hag to Subway- on the other side of the food court- it was finally my turn to order. I stepped up to the counter.
“Um, yes, I’ll have the vanilla latte please…hold the vanilla,” I said. But the clerk just stood there jabbering to the other employee about the Pretty Little Liars season finale, completely oblivious that I was talking to her.
“Excuse me,” I said irritably, clearing my throat. She still didn’t look up. I banged my fist on the table. “I’D LIKE ONE-VANILLA-LATTE-PLEASE!”
And then the clerk had the nerve to say to the other worker, “Can you watch the counter? I have to go to the bathroom.”
I stared open-mouthed as she left me standing there and walked into the back room.
“Ok guys!” I shouted. “The silent treatment is getting kind of old!”
Then I turned around and stormed furiously to the nearest table, sat down, and stared menacingly at the other employee.
It’s just so weird. The people at Starbucks have treated me like that EVERY time I’ve gone there. But hey, that’s 3.65 less they have.
Once I calmed down, I pulled out my iPhone and checked my mail for today’s hit-list from the boss. There were five names on the list today: Bernard Baker, George Whitfield, Julianne Simpson, Robert Kremer, and Katherine O’Neil. My map showed that George Whitfield was actually sitting in the food court right now. That was pretty convenient.
But before I got down to business I decided to check CNN.com to get caught up on the news. I typed in the web address and chuckled at the first headline that popped up: Kim Kardashian’s New Butt Surgery.
“Isn’t that like her fourth one?” I whispered to myself. “Impressive.”
Don’t worry, I have considered just killing the whole family off, but apparently they provide “quality” television.
I scrolled down the screen some more and found an interesting article: Scientists Discover Cure to Immortality.
Curious, I decided to read the article, and by the time I finished it, I was completely and utterly horrified.
“What?” I shouted, springing up from the table. I re-read the article about seven more times before I puked. Apparently there’s some new elixir you can drink that provides you with un-human like qualities, resulting in the ability to live forever.
People can’t live forever! That’s insane! Scientists can be such over-achievers sometimes. After throwing up one more time, I sit down at the table and devise a plan. I’d simply write a petition email persuading the scientists what an awful idea immortality is!
Mr. Whitfield would have to wait, because I was motivated, and after typing my email for an hour, and playing some Candy Crush to cool my nerves, I sent the email:

To:




[email protected]
From:


[email protected]
Subject: SCIENTISTS ARE MORONS!!!!

Dear Scientist People,
I write you this email out of complete and utter DISGUST!! Are you people dummies or something?! I mean, HELLO!!
If you go through with this whole “immortality mumbo-jumbo” I will be out of a job!! And I’ll have you know, I’m very dedicated to my job. Do you know how long it took me to climb the corporate ladder to get to my current position??
Also, my boss isn’t very tolerant, and he’ll want a word with you once he hears about this; which is why I’ve sat down and written you this email to convince you NOT to go through with this, before it’s too late for all of you! I’ve come up with some pretty LEGIT reasons why this is a HORRIBLE plan:

1)
I need to make a living too, you jerks! If people live forever, there will be no need for me, I’ll be out of a job, and have no money, which means my vacation to Antarctica with my girlfriend is down the drain! I don’t get to visit cold places a lot, you know!!
2)
The world’s only so big, pal! And so are our sewer systems! The world will be too overpopulated and SMELLY! Can you imagine the stank that will be in the air?? Have you no SHAME?!
3)
Did you honestly think that you’d have enough food to feed an endless amount of people?! I mean, it’s hard enough to get a stupid vanilla latte from Starbucks nowadays, let alone being able to feed infinite amounts of people!
4)
Who wants to live forever anyway? If you seriously think about it, don’t you think it would get kind of boring, living forever? Soon, people will be SO old they won’t be able to do anything!! One of the good things about letting people die is that soon enough, there will be NO MORE Kardashians!! That would be a benefit for all of us, if you know what I’m saying!

As you can see, you obviously haven’t thought your whole “plan” out thoroughly, so what do you say we forget about this whole immortality thing and move on with our lives…well, what’s left of your lives anyway. I would really appreciate it. J
SINcerely Yours,
Death
P.S. How about Pluto not being a planet anymore? What’s up with that?

Satisfied, I got up from the table and made my way over to Mr. Whitfield. Well, back to work.