“Stop!”

My mouth gargles with salty water. My eyes are deluged by the ceaseless waves. My heart dances to the endless fear that is dominating my mind. Fists clenched. Teeth clenched. With all my efforts, I try to ascend above the water. Yet, my head is restrained by a compelling force from above. My legs are shaking violently in an effort to escape. My hands flutter arbitrarily, trying to hold onto a paddle. Endless waves slosh against my frail body. It seems like my body can perilously collapse anytime. I suffocate from the waves that infiltrate into any pathways that they can; suffocating from the lurid thoughts that continuously trample on my naive mind.

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“Relax, Nancy and you’ll easily float,” my mother assuaged my fear on my first time swimming in the sea with her gentle, appealing voice and her benevolent smile. Suddenly, the beach became serene and the waves were just tenderly crawling towards me with its dormant strength. An egg in her nest - that was how my mother made me feel as she was indulging me throughout my childhood. Undoubtedly, my mother was the most exquisite woman with a dazzling complexion. I inherited from my mother those beguiling, deep and rapture-blue eyes that held the universe. Under her elegant nose, her honey sweet lips always shimmered with a winning smile on them. My mother’s smile was very, very unique: it could express thousands of affectionate words and bring love more than any other expression could. She captured joy with her smile - a smile filled with genuineness.

More than her benign appearance, my mother nurtured me with great compassion and a big heart. Her bedtime stories were a crucial part of my childhood, a memory that would follow me in life. With my mother’s soft storytelling voice, I gently fell asleep every night to those stories. Those stories were ordinary bedtime stories, yet contained an element of horror that was added by my mother. Foremostly, one story was so cryptically appalling that it trapped me in my own psychosis as if I was a character of the story; the story was about an eagle that was demolishing its own eagles in its nest. I was terrified by the story. My legs were shaking violently. My teeth clenched. Yet my mum swiftly wrapped her arms around me and held me tight as I gradually fell asleep on her lap. As always, she reassured and protected me. Just like that, she was my enmity-- someone that meant the world to me.

Watching the quavering sea and the perpetual waves oozing onto the beach - that was how the beach become a substantial part of my life. Being an introvert, I was enchanted by the ocean and I could truly find myself by diving into the warm, salty water. The dreamy sea and the harmonious murmuring waves were my best friends. Any fears, worries or miseries I had to face were buried under the endless, silky sand or disappeared into the mellow breeze. Walking on the golden sand, I felt like I was walking on a giant silk carpet. Glazed at the sunset, I knew that those moments by the beach were the most profound moments of my life.

On the romantic beach, I revelled in many of the best family dinners we had together. Observing the people that I treasured: my father, my sister and particularly my mother gathering for a family dinner every single week was how I found contentment. Conversely, during a family dinner, a calamitous event happened which left our family in agony. My mother and my sister went kayaking together - and only my mother returned. I was bewildered. Bewildered by my sister’s death. Baffled by how abruptly she died. Baffled that she was a shark’s prey (my mother told me that). Like always, my mother pulled me towards her and let my dreadful tears flow while she reassured me. Regularly, my mother would have my full trust. Yet, I was cynical this time - especially when I saw the paddle with a thread of my sister’s distinct hazel hair and blood on it...

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The paddle that i am holding onto slides away and brings me back to reality. My lungs are burning for air. My head gets dizzier and dizzier as it immerses with water. I gasp in as much water as I can. My fists clench. I try my fortune for the last time. As I try to ascend, I am once again suppressed by a coercive force. Tears start to flow out of my eyes like tiny waves in a tremendous ocean. They are carried away by the treacherous waves along with my hopes. I have always cherished the waves and my mother. However, do i still want to live when the two crucial things in my life go against me? The waves and…

My mother.

Yes, my beloved mother betrayed me. In my blurry vision, her winning smile dazzles as always. She wins. She beats me with that winning smile. The story of the eagle demolishing its own eggs comes to my mind and I understand everything. With my eyes closed, I am prepared to accept the same fate as my sister.