Scene 1

A typical Sunday morning at a suburban bungalow. In the loo, two old men standing side by side before a mirror. By the sink lie several toothbrushes, a trilby, and two white towels. The faucet is running. The man on the left is looking into the mirror anxiously; the man on the right is busily putting on hair gel.

The shorter man to the left moans, probing his bald head.
BURT [one on the left; frantically] I haven’t got any hair left! I haven’t got any hair left! It must grow back, won’t it?
BRADLEY. You ain’t no spring chicken, get over it.

BURT turns the running water off, puts the trilby on, and adjusts it on his head.
BURT. Says you! You know, there’s always twelve minutes every year when you’re a year older than me.
BRADLEY. Sixty-four, sixty-five… what’s the difference? Age is just a number, after all.
BURT. [accusingly; clicking his tongue] Wouldn’t be saying that if you were born later, would ya? And what are you putting that gel on your pate for? You’ve only got a tiny oily clump of hair, almost like nothin’ anyway.
BRADLEY [mockingly] Says you now!
BURT [sighs] Give me some love, brother. I feel naked. Without hair I’m a bird without feathers; without hair I’m a tintless canvas; without hair I am really a naked man running down the streets screaming, ‘I’m the king, I’m the king! Hail the naked king!’
BRADLEY [annoyed] Aw, c’mon, cut it out now. Ain’t like ladies are watchin’. Let’s be honest here, even if they were, you probably look like an old pig. A cute, bald one though.
BURT [offended] Well, now, that ain’t right. I’m more of a majestic lion, the king of the jungle!
BRADLEY. A naked one?
BURT. Now, now, the ladies would like that, wouldn’t they?

Laughters, lights fade slowly.









Scene 2

The supermarket at 3.00 pm. The place is crowded. People talking quietly in the background with Bradley strolling through the aisle with a cart filled with cereals, fruits, chips, and a few crates of beer. Burt is picking out some salad dressing. Next to them, a widow of relatively the same age is trying to reach a bag of flour on the top of the shelve. She wears a blue blouse and a knapsack. Her flowery hat falls to the ground as she reaches up to get something. Bradley sees the hat and bends over to pick it up.

BRADLEY. ‘Cuse me, miss, is this yours by any chance?
WIDOW [turns around] Why, yes, thank you. [Pauses, thinks for a second] Would you be so kind to snatch that bag of flour for me, please?
BRADLEY. The white or the beige?
WIDOW. Whichever you wish. Thank you.
BRADLEY. [hands over the beige one] M’lady, it’s my pleasure. And what may your name be?
WIDOW [giggles] It’s Marie, and yours?

BURT rushes over after hearing the conversation. He chirps in, truncating the two.
BURT [holds out hand] Mine’s Burt. How are you doin’?
BRADLEY [slapping Burt’s hand away] And mine’s Bradley. It’s great meeting you, Marie. French, are ya?
MARIE. Indeed. Why, you two certainly make an interesting couple. It’s rare to see this type of humor nowadays. Burt and Bradley, bet you could make a fortune outta that television show.
BURT. No, no! You see, we’re twins. Bet you can’t see the resemblance since I’m much more good-looking than that old weezer.
MARIE [covers mouth] Oh! Excuse my rudeness.
BRADLEY. Don’t worry ‘bout it.
BURT. By the way, I’m the younger one amongst us two.
BRADLEY. Yet he’s got no hair! But anyhow, don’t mind us, what delicious meal are you making with that?
MARIE. Well, my kids are visiting me in two days, and I’m preparing their favorite meal. You see, I don’t get to see my kids often these days, all busy with college and jobs, so I must keep them happy on rare occasions then. Don’t you all agree?
BRADLEY [sighs] So you’re married..
MARIE. Oh, not at all! I mean?you see, well, not exactly. My husband passed away a few years ago. Died of a brain tumor, they said.
BRADLEY. I’m so sorry.
MARIE. No, don’t be! He was a complete drunk, and as silly as I was, didn’t even know he had such a serious drinking problem until I was pregnant with my first kid. Then it only got worse. He started getting mad at us for no reason, even started beating us. Must say, I was relieved when the news reached me.
BURT [points at Bradley] He drinks?all the time, actually!
BRADLEY. Aren’t you the one to lie to get a lady. [turns to Marie] Cross my heart. Twice. Ain’t never got my hands on a glass, ever.
MARIE. Ah, don’t sweat it. We all need some luxury once in a while. The men with ‘em beer, the women with ‘em tea party. Just gotta keep it under control.
BURT. May I ask then, Marie, would you mind a drink or two with me?
BRADLEY. Actually, I was about to ask that before he came blabbing about after eavesdropping our conversation.
BURT. But I asked first!
BRADLEY. I thought of it first!
MARIE. You two really are a funny pair. Now, let’s call it a friendly date, and us three can all go have a drink at the bar together later today, shall we? That is, after I finish buying all these groceries here.
BRADLEY. [in alacrity] Now, now, I’ve got the cash covered!
BURT. Hey, I thought of that first!
MARIE. Why, ain’t I amused.

The three continues walking, the two men one on each side of MARIE, mouthing vulgar terms at each other behind the lady. Lights fade out.



















Scene 3

At Burt and Bradley’s house, on the dining table. Charlie Chaplin is playing on the television, muted. Marie, Bradley, and Burt all sit by a round, wooden table. Bags of groceries rest by their ankles. On the wooden table are also expensive china plates and decorations. Marie is sipping a cup of tea elegantly, Burt and Bradley are eager to talk.

MARIE puts down teacup.
MARIE [looks at the twins] ‘Tis a nice little cottage you’ve got here. The sun’s warm and nice, the air fresh and pure, and I can’t catch the slightest sound of cars or trains!
BRADLEY. Hardly, but thank you.
BURT. And I was the one who picked the place out. Say, where do you live?
MARIE. Oh, some place in nowhere, not of anyone’s concerns.
BRADLEY. Bet it’s a place as dashing as you are. As young as you are, too, perhaps twenty years, or thirty, at most?
MARIES [giggles] Oh, no, I’m sixty-five.
BURT/BRADLEY [together] And so am I!
MARIES. Say, you two are twins, right? Have you got any superpower, say reading others’ mind, like that.
BURT. Ain’t that a great question. Ya know, how ‘bout I try punching him and see if I feel any pain?

BRADLEY quickly flicks a finger at BURT’s forehead.
BURT. Ow! What’s that for?
BRADLEY. Just experimenting. Ya know, it’s odd, because I ain’t felt no pain. Maybe it was of too little force. [to Marie] Should I try again, this time, but harder? Or should I send my foot flying between his legs. That oughta do it, eh?
BURT [scoots wooden chair backwards, floors squeaking] Don’t you dare, you’ll regret it. I say, don’t you do it! A fine lady is here, and the scene ain’t pretty.
MARIE. [innocently] Why, I think that would be fun to watch. It would be much more humorous than Chaplin there, I bet.
BURT. Have you got any siblings, Marie?
MARIE. Don’t you try and change the topic here! But yes, I do. I’ve got a sister who’s a decade younger than I am. She’s a real sweetheart. Ya see, whenever she comes back with the prize, she would always share some, ya know, when she’s pickpo?oops! [covers mouth]
BRADLEY. Share some of what? What’s that prize you were talking about?
MARIE. Oh, that, that’s nothing. Just slipped my mind, that’s all. Some family things; you wouldn’t understand.
BRADLEY. Wouldn’t hurt to try, now, would it?
MARIE [suddenly] Why, we strayed off topic! I thought we were gonna try some of that twin telepathy thing. It’s once in a lifetime opportunity for me. Would you dearies fulfill my curiosity, please?
BURT. No, no, that ain’t happening.
BRADLEY [hesitant] As much as I’d love that, don’t think I’m too comfortable with it, either. Sorry, miss.
MARIE [acting depressed] Would this have you do it, then?

Marie bends forward and plants a kiss on BRADLEY’s cheeks, twice, on both sides.
BURT. That ain’t fair! Why don’t I get some of that?
BRADLEY. Hush, hush, I think it’s time that we try some of that pain thing, isn’t it? Weren’t you curious as well?
BURT. Don’t you dare, don’t you dare!

BRADLEY gets up and inches towards BURT. BURT crawls under the table, runs, exits stage.
BRADLEY [to Marie] Don’t you worry, m’lady, I would get him in just a second [he exists]

MARIE, now alone in the room, begins grabbing china and putting them into her grocery bags, all the while moving fairly swiftly.
MARIE [to audience] Phew, that’s a close one now, that was. Almost let it slip how my sister is one of the greatest pilferer in town! Now, now, I’ve gotten her legacy, and these two silly old men are too busy wooing me to notice anything unusual. Desperate time calls for desperate measures, we’ve all got to pick a pocket or two. Or maybe, an entire bag of china, aha! [moves towards the edge of the stage, remembering something before exiting] At least, Bradley got what he wants, but oh, poor Burt. [she exists]

Audience hear a scream, clearly that of BURT’s.
BRADLEY. [running onto the middle of the stage stage, breathing heavily] I-I’ve got him-m, now, Marie, I’ve got him! [confused] Marie? Marie? [repeats, louder this time]

Lights fade. Curtain closes with BRADLEY looking confused on stage.