“The Degabucci Family”

TONY DEGABUCCI- the leader of the Degabucci family, an insecure coward.
SANTO MILANICCI- Tony’s right hand man in the Degabucci family.
BARBAROSSA “BARBI” DEGABUCCI- Tony’s naive younger brother who is just starting out in the family.
MARIANA-The horny housekeeper.
COCCINO-The childish leader of the Coccino family.
POLICEMAN- a big, tough mafia man.

(The three are in a room. Tony is sitting in the chair behind the desk smoking a cigar. Santo is sitting adjacent to him reading a book. Barbarossa rushes in)

Barbi:

Brother, brother! I killed the man todaya!!

Tony:

You killed the leader of the Bastianich family? Excellente, Barbi!

Barbi:

The Bastianich family? I thought you wanted the leader of the Coccino family!

Santo:

You killed the leader of the Coccino family?

Barbi:

I thought you wanted me to!

Tony:
Ugh! The Coccino family is the poorest family in all of Italia! There’s a no point in a killing them. They’re like a flies. You smack one and a hundred more come in their place.

Santo:

That has never happened to me.

Barbi:

Me neither.

Santo:

I think we would notice if there were a hundred flies around here, no?

Barbi:

Maybe you’re smacking the wrong flies, Tony.

Tony:

Silencio! Where is Coccino!

(Barbi brings in the body of Coccino)

Tony:

Ay, what a despicable sight. Dispose of the body, please.

(Coccino wakes up)

Coccino:
Wha-? Huh? Wha…?

Barbi:

(Drops Coccino) AH!! AHH!! IT’S ALIVE!!

Tony:

(Screams like a girl) AHHHHH!! WHY DIDN’T YOU KILL IT PROPERLY?

Coccino:
Hello! Nice to meet you! Who are you?

Tony:

(Tries to stand tall) I am Don Degabucci of the Degabucci family.

Coccino:
Hello Don Degabucci!

Tony:
Hahaha! Look at the poor man, begging for his life! Tell me, Coccino, how many men do you have in your weak family? Is it just you??? Or maybe just it’s you and your mami!

(Tony, Santo, and Barbi laugh)

Coccino:
Well, I have-

(Santo shoots Coccino in the back of the head. Coccino falls)

Santo:

Muahahaha!!!

Tony:

What did you do that for?!

Santo:

(Confused) You gave me the signal.

Tony:

Signal? We have a signal?

Santo:

Obviously!

Tony:

Okay Mr Wise-a-Guy, I’ll play along. What signal did I supposedly give you?

Santo:

You made a joke about how many men were in his family, and then you laughed.

Tony:

That’s the signal?

Santo:

Um, yeah! It’s, like, Mafia 101!

Tony:
Well you could have at least let him finish what he was saying before you shot him! It’s called manners!

Santo:

We’re Italian. Have you ever met an Italian who had any manners whatsoever?

Tony:

W-

(Coccino lifts his head up)

Coccino:
Hey!

(Tony, Santo, and Barbi scream like little girls)

Tony:

AHH! AHHH!!!!! IT’S ALIVE AGAIN! KILL IT!! SHOOT IT!!

Santo:

I don’t have any bullets left!

Tony:

Who carries a gun with only one bullet in it?

Santo:

It’s called style!

Coccino:
Anyway, as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted (Looks at Santo) Gosh, you could have at least let me finish my sentence, you know. Didn’t your mami teach you any manners?

Tony:
That’s what I said!

(Tony and Coccino fistbump)

Coccino:
Anyway, my family has about….200 people in it. And that’s just the high level people. There’s an additional 700 thugs who work under the Coccino name. So in total that’s about…I’m sorry, you shot the part of my brain that does math, so I can’t add the numbers. And that’s my family!

Tony:
Oh….

(Awkward pause)

Barbi:
So… when do you think you’re going to….

Coccino:
Um…. (Checks his watch) I’d say about 4-5 minutes.

Tony:
Oh… Do you want a brandy?

Coccino:
Of course!

(Santo brings him a cup of brandy. Coccino takes a sip)

Coccino:
Mm! Damn good brandy! It’s a good last drink (Drinks the last drop) Well, time to leave. Chao! (Falls over and dies)

(Awkward silence)

Tony:
Barbi you idiot! Why did you have to kill this guy? He has a family of 900 people! I should have never listened to Mami. “Oh, Barbi has to be in your mafia too! You can’t leave out your little brother!” Feh!

Barbi:
I didn’t kill him, Santo did!

Tony:
Santo you idiot! Why did you have to kill this guy? He has a family of 900 people!

Santo:
Well, you’re the one who said that the Coccino family was like flies! I wouldn’t have shot him if I had known that he had a family 300 times as big as ours!

Tony:
Shut up! (Starts pacing) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Barbi:
Big Brother, I’m scared.

Tony:
We have no choice. We-we will have to turn ourselves in to the police.

Santo:
The police?! Are you muy insane?

Tony:
Well I don’t know what else to do okay!

Santo:
And you call yourself the leader of this family.

Tony:
Shut up! (Stops pacing) I suppose there is another way…

Barbi:
We go at night and challenge Coccino’s family to a duel!

Tony:
(Sarcastically) Why don’t you go do that, little brother? Tell me how it goes.

Barbi:
Sure thing, boss!

(Barbi begins to leave, Santo pulls him back)

Santo:
(Pushes Barbi down into a chair) What is your alternative way?

Tony:
Well, I suppose we could kill ourselves.

Santo:
(Sacastically) Oh, lovely plan. Can’t see anything wrong with that. Completely foolproof!

Tony:
So I suppose we should go to the police station?

Santo:
Sure, but first we must dispose of this body. How shall we do it?

Tony:
Mariana!

(Enter Mariana)

Mariana:
Mmm, buongiorno, Senor Degabucci. (Giggles seductively) buongiorno, Senor Milanicci (Winks at Santo)

Tony:
Get rid of this body, Mariana.

Mariana:
Mmmm, this body? You can use mine, whenever you want to. (Grabs Tony and pushes her hips against his)

Tony:
Good grief, keep it in your pants, woman. I mean THAT body.

Mariana:
Mmmmm, ohhhh. I’ll, get rid of it. (Winks seductively, then walks away with the body) MMMMMMMmmmm!
(Mariana exits)

Santo:
So, police station?

Barbi:
Assuming we don’t get killed on the way there.

Tony:
We will be safe. Nobody knows that Coccino is dead yet. We will be fine….

(Scene switch. The trio walks into a police station. There is a policeman filling out some papers at the
desk in front of them and there are a few others answering calls or filling out papers, but they are away
in the background.)

Tony:
Uh, um, hello?

Policeman:
(Looks up) Buonasera, how may I help you?

Santo:
Um, we would like to turn ourselves in.

Policeman:
(Blank stare) You would like to what?

Barbi:
We want to turn ourselves in!

Policeman:
(Blank stare) Hold on.

(Policeman dials on number on the phone)

Policeman:
Buenasera, buenasera. I have these people here who say they want to turn themselves in. What does that mean? Yup. Yup. Okay. (Puts his hand on the phone and faces the trio) He’s just looking up what the procedure is for turning yourself in in the Italian constitution. (Puts phone back on ear) Uh-huh. It’s not in there?? Well then what do I do? Okay, bye. (Puts the phone down) Well, it appears that nobody in the history of this country has ever decided to turn themselves in before, so I am afraid we can’t help you.

Tony:
W-well can’t you just put us in the jail for a few days?

Policeman:
I suppose I could, but I’ll need to fill some paperwork. (Brings out some paper) Okay, what are your names?

Barbi:
We’re the mafia!

Santo:
You idiot!

Policeman:
You’re in the mafia?

Tony:
Well, now you have a reason. Take us to jail, please.

Policeman:
Oh, you don’t need to worry. Everyone here is in the mafia.

Tony:
Even you…?

Policeman:
Of course! I am the third highest ranked officer of my family!

Tony:
What family are you from?

Policeman:
The Coccino family!

Santo:
(Coughs loudly)

Policeman:
What family are you people in?

Tony:
(Quickly) The Coccino family!

Policeman:
Oh nice! By the way, if you had said anything besides the Coccino family, you would all have a bullet in your heads.

Santo:

O-oh! Good to know…

Barbi:

But we’re not in the Coccino family!

Santo:

(Discreetly elbows Barbi in the ribs)

Policeman:
What? Did you just lie to me?

Tony:
No no no! It’s just that…we don’t really feel like we’re really part of the Coccino family. We’re just some of the lower ranked people.

Policeman:
Well that’s still part of the family! You came to the assembly yesterday, right?

Tony:
O-of course!

Policeman:
Then you’re part of the family! What was your favourite part of the boss’s speech?

Santo:
Um, ah, uhhh, the ending…?

Policeman:
I KNOW! THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE TOO!!

Tony:
Well, of course. The boss’s speeches are always the best.

Policeman:
They are! Anyway, you guys can come with me. I just about to leave.

Barbi:
Where are we going?




Policeman:
Today is the Boss’s 50th birthday! Oh, you probably don’t know because you’re in the lower ranks, but there’s a big celebration tonight! Everyone’s bringing lots of expensive presents! I bought the Boss a pistol worth $4.5 million! I swear, if the Boss isn’t there to open it, I’m going to kill somebody!

(The trio gulps)

Policeman:
Anyway, let’s go! (Stands)

(Policeman exits)

(The trio begin to follow. Tony, Santo, and Barbi, in that order)

Santo:
Tony, what are we going to do?

Tony:
Simple, we go and become part of the Coccino family.

Santo:
But Coccino is dead! Soon there won’t be a Coccino family!

Tony:
So nobody will suspect us if we are in the family, right?

Barbi:
Great idea, brother!

Santo:
So is this the end of the Degabucci family?

Tony:
Of course not. This is only the beginning.

(Tony, Santo and Barbi exit)

**************************************END*******************************************