Married for over a year and a half, Stan and Pearl looked like the perfect couple. They both worked high-paying jobs in the financial industry, were saving to buy a home, had kids on their minds, and had even got over the stares of being an interracial couple in South Korea. On the outside everything looked great, but perfection is difficult to achieve.      

As the long holiday approached, Stan’s apprehension got worse as he remembered last year’s fiasco. His wife, Pearl, had threatened divorce if she ever again had to go through days of cooking, cleaning, bowing, and perceived sexism. She hadn’t spoken to him for over a week after they got home and only after begging on his knees for forgiveness did she finally cool off. He heard her getting up from bed and immediately brought her a cup of freshly roasted coffee. It was now or never to warily bring up the subject.

 “Uhm I bought the train tickets to my hometown next week. There’s going to be too much traffic to drive,” Stan gingerly informed her.

“That’s right, next week is Chuseok. How fast Korean thanksgiving comes around, huh?” she asked sarcastically.

Pearl stared at him with laser focus so he bravely matched her gaze and continued cautiously, “Well, with the pandemic and all, I don’t think all of my relatives will be coming this year. Should be less hectic.”

Her eyes flared in anger and Stan knew he made a deadly mistake.

“Less hectic for who? You? All you did last year was eat and drink for days while I cooked up a storm and had to eat in the kitchen like a servant whatever you men left for leftovers!” she growled.

“I’m sorry babe. That couldn’t be avoided. I know you’re American and are not used to Korean customs but that’s just the way it is here. Chuseok traditions and rituals go back hundreds of years and if you’re gonna adjust to life here in Korea, you’re just going to have to conform” he explained.

“Conform? You told me last year I would never have to go through that humiliation again. Waiting on your male relatives hand and foot while the females mocked me for not knowing to make fried Korean pancakes” she hissed.

Stan blatantly lied, “I talked to my mom yesterday and fully explained the situation. She said she felt bad for all the work you had to do last year but that was expected as we were newlyweds and you were a new addition to our family. She promised me this year would be different.”

Pearl looked at him in disgust and got up to get ready for work. 

The main KTX train station in Seoul was packed with travelers the next Wednesday morning as city dwellers made their annual pilgrimage to their hometowns with gifts for their relatives. Stan was from the southern port city of Busan and had moved to Seoul for university. He had stayed in Seoul after graduating as he had landed a job at a foreign financial services company and just last year had married his co-worker Pearl, who was from San Diego. His parents were not thrilled that he had married a foreigner but they were happy and that was all that mattered. At least she had learned to speak Korean while living in the country for the past seven years. 

Before they visited his hometown last year for Chuseok, Stan had explained to Pearl that Korean thanksgiving was one of the two most important holidays in Korean culture and that usually over four to five days of vacation, people went to their hometowns to meet relatives, give gifts, and feast for days. Just like almost every other Korean family, the social rituals included women preparing vast traditional meals and an ancestral memorial ceremony called “charye” by filling a table with food offerings including newly harvested rice and fruit. He also informed her that due to the patriarchal system of Korean society, the women did all of the work while the men ate, drank, and played for days. Pearl had laughed at the absurdity of that and never imagined that it was 100% true. 

The slightly less than three-hour bullet train ride and the accompanying taxi ride to Stan’s home were completed in utter silence. Pearl ignored Stan by watching Netflix on her smartphone the whole time. Stan was really in a bind. He really loved returning to Busan, seeing all of his relatives and old friends, and taking part in the ancestor memorial ceremonies but his wife’s severe hatred for this family ritual broke his heart. He didn’t want to choose between his wife and his family.

After exchanging hugs and kisses upon arrival at his parent’s home, Stan’s mother unexpectedly took Pearl aside. 

“I know that last year was tough for you as you probably never expected to work like that. But I didn’t want to go easy on you in front of the female relatives as they would have never accepted you as one of their own. After you left last year, everybody said you passed the test,” admitted Stan’s mom.

With tears immediately welling up in her eyes, Pearl shakingly responded, “No it was okay. Really. I have been looking forward to this Chuseok.”

Knowing that she was just trying to be brave and loyal to her husband, Stan’s mom gracefully accepted the fib and said, “I know that all this cooking and preparing is burdensome, but these rituals matter in our family. Stan’s paternal great grandfather, one of the ancestors remembered in the ceremony, died in a slave labor camp during the Japanese occupation of Korea. His paternal grandmother was killed during the Korean War. The family rituals we perform have real sentimental meaning.”

Pearl was taken aback by these revelations and suddenly felt ashamed for her selfishness. The family had suffered through some real tragedies and were honoring their loved ones through these rituals. To make up for her poor attitude, she committed herself to helping as much as she could. She did everything with a smile, laughed when she was teased for making a mistake, and faithfully endured the disrespect of eating in the kitchen while the male relatives ate in the dining room.     

Not knowing that Pearl had realized the true meaning of the ritual, Stan cautiously approached her while she was making soup to apologize and said, “Babe I’m so sorry, I promise I will make it up to you in Seoul.” 

Flashing a smile, Pearl responded, “Don’t worry about me. Your cousins are teaching me how to make a traditional Korean soup. I’ll make it for you when we get back home!”

Taken aback by her response, Stan was not sure what had happened but seeing his American wife cooking shoulder to shoulder with his female relatives made him proud of how far she had come.